FAMOUS
LAST WORDS
A list of the last words some people ever said.
You'll be perfectly safe behind this much shielding.
That's not smoke, that's steam.
That should be enough gas to make it across Nevada.
It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.
It was fresh just last week.
These are the safe kind of mushrooms.
It should be ok to swim in.
Clip the red wire first.
It's ok to format one of the SysAdmin's disks.
It's supposed to make that noise.
It's pretty much grounded.
It doesn't look like the bridge is out.
They only attack when they're hungry.
I can hold my breath at least that long.
The boss wont mind.
It shouldn't take too long to reach Anchorage.
Let's ask those soldiers for directions.
Jason won't find us in this closet.
I'm sure I turned my lights off.
I bet I can fit in there.
I'm sure it will support my weight.
It's just a few scattered lightning bolts.
We should be out of range here.
Aren't these bear cubs cute?
Hey guys, watch this (for all you redneck fans)
The tide's not that strong.
That's just a water snake.
Are those killer bees?
If I could just reach a little higher..
We'll be safe as long as we stay here..
They'll never expect us to do that.
Let's make a run for it
It's ok. I have a reserve chute.
I can jump from this high. It's into water.
This airline only charges half as much
Don't unplug it. I'll only be a moment.
Let's take this shortcut.
What happens if we touch these two wires toge…
We won't need reservations.
It's always sunny this time of year.
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Relax, They wouldn't be stupid enough to make him a manager.
THOUGHTS ON…
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
English Professor, Ohio University
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform.
ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk.
Steven King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble
a nail.
Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Neutrinos have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
division by zero.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force.
Dorothy Parker
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking
zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth-they are too weak to refuse.
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of
2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.
ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We
don't believe this to be a coincidence.
ON TEACHERS
"In a completely rational society the best of us would aspire to
be teachers, and the rest of us aspire to something less."
Lee Iacocca
FAMOUS NEVERS
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room. -Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"-Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. -Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.
Never ruin an apology with an excuse. -Kimberly Johnson
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything. -Lackland's Laws
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. -Hanlon's Razor: "They aren't out to get you - they're just idiots."
Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make you regret your premature action. -Aaron Burr
Never tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -General George S. Patton
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. -Proverb
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. -Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb
Never eat more than you can lift. -Miss Piggy
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -Hartley's Second Law
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. -Micro Credo
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
Never try to out-stubborn a cat. -Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. -Andrew Tannenbaum
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.
ELEMENTARY LAWS OF LIFE
1. PETER PRINCIPLE: Within any given system, man rises to his level of incompetence.
2. MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
3. O'TOOL'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW: Murphy was an optimist.
4. THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW: As soon as you mention something....if it's good, it goes away - if it's bad, it happens.
5. NON-RECIPROCAL LAW OF EXPECTATIONS: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
6. HOWE'S LAW: Every man has a scheme that will NOT work.
7. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
8. ETORRE'S OBSERVATION: The other line moves faster.
9. SKINNER'S CONSTANT (FLANNAGAN'S FINAGLING FACTOR): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
10. LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
11. JENNING'S COROLLARY: The chance of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
12. GORDON'S FIRST LAW: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
13. MAIER'S LAW: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
14. HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
15. BOREN'S FIRST LAW: When in doubt, mumble.
16. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES: Whoever has the most gold makes the rules.
17. BARTH'S DISTINCTION: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
18. SEGAL'S LAW: A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
19. NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES: The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
20. FARBER'S FOURTH LAW: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
KITCHEN HUMOR
§ A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious
§ No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
§ A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house
§ If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
§ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
§ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
§ Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
§ A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
§ Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out
§ Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
§ Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives
§ My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines
CONFLICTING CLICHES
Too many cooks spoil the pot.
BUT
Two heads are better than one.
He who hesitates is lost.
BUT
Look before you leap.
Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.
You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Variety is the spice of life.
BUT
Don't change horses in midstream.
Doubt is the beginning, not the end of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.
Don't cross the bridge 'til you come to it.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.
Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Clothes make the man.
BUT
Never judge a book by its cover.
The best things come in small packages.
BUT
The bigger, the better.
A miss is as good as a mile.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.
An old fox is not easily snared.
BUT
There's no fool like an old fool.
A good beginning makes a good ending.
BUT
It's not over 'til it's over.
Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas.
BUT
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
BUT
A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
There is safety in numbers.
BUT
Better be alone than in bad company.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
BUT
Don't beat a dead horse.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
CLICHES FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
COMMENTS ON THE CHICKEN CROSSING THE ROAD
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: The answer would depend upon exactly you mean by
"cross."
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
DR. EMMETT BROWN: Road? What road? Where that chicken's going, it doesn't need roads.
L. WITTGENSTEIN: In the atomic fact of the chicken in its linguistically determined relationship with a road, we labor under a semantic misperception of such enormity, it wholly obscures the utterly simple fact of mere crossing.
OLIVER STONE: It has not yet been revealed by the kept media, what was on the other side of the road. I have secretly recorded footage taken by eyewitnesses, which will clearly show federal agents, on the other side, with chickenfeed.
THE EIGHTH EARL OF FARTHINGHAM: "Chickens?" he sniffed. "I suppose if they didn't cross the road occasionally, the commoners would have nothing to eat."
BILL GATES: Microsoft is not chicken. While we do cross the road with some frequency, it's only to keep the road free of the dead carcasses of our competition. We can't obstruct the information superhighway with a lot of dead software.
E. O. WILSON: Chickens are drawn to the other side of roads by certain genetic imperatives. No matter which side they are on, the other side always looks better to them. It is by virtue of this dedicated behavioral response, we enjoy chicken Fricassee.
JIM PETERSON: In the vast effluvium of nature, many chickens have been transported down many roads. Few have made it away from their own side. But with a spirit of cooperative effort, we may yet see vast flocks of chickens overcoming their natural inhibitions, challenging the very essence of chicken, finding happiness and fulfillment on the other side
RICK BOLING: I live on a road. I've never seen a single chicken cross. I think you people are nuts!
JOHN GLENN: Why is it that only young chickens get to cross the road? If we let an older chicken cross the road, it wouldn't just be for the publicity, there would be some valid scientific studies that could be done to look at the effects of road kill … er, crossing on older chicken bodies.
WOODY ALLEN: I don't know, I mean, why would a chicken want to cross the road anyway? To have a relationship, or what? Besides, if it was a Jewish chicken it would probably get run down by some fascist neo-nazi anyway.
NEWT GINGRICH: Basically, it's the Democrats who are too chicken to cross the road. The Republicans, on the other hand … what? Oh, I guess I misunderstood the question. Never mind, I quit.
BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: If that chicken crosses the road one more time I'm going to blow it to hell, then build a settlement on top of its dead carcass.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: If you would just lift the sanctions, then all chickens could cross the road. Of course, we still could not allow them to trespass on presidential properties.
KEN STARR: This is a legitimate investigation of the chicken, and we have strong evidence that it not only crossed the road, but that it met another chicken on the other side, then lied about the affair (which almost certainly involved creating eggs-consider the yolk stain on the female's breast feathers) to the American People.
JESSE VENTURA: I don't really know much about chickens and roads and stuff like that, but I will do my best to learn quickly and I promise to be as honest as I always was in the ring.
SUPREME COURT: We refuse to hear the case of the left-winged chicken, the interrogation at the side of the road, or any other such liberal drivel.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: Why don't we just take all the damned chickens out and shoot them? That should take care of the controversy.
CHARLTON HESTON: It's a dangerous road out there for chickens, and that's why I believe they should all be armed with Uzi's and armor-piercing bullets.
ROSEANNE: Nunnayer bizness what us chickens do! We'll cross the road if we damwell please, and we don't wanna hear any more sexist crap from youse guys...
OPRAH: Hmm...mmm... Is it a problem? Show me some folks who are hurtin' about it, I'll get 'em on the show, and we'll talk about it...
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
