RULES OF THE HOUSE
Typical macho man, married typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night-whether you're here or not.
MALE & FEMALE INTERPRETATIONS
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: The organ of mooning .
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen bitch, do it and you die,"
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.
THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans". Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as "Mr. President."
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.
8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men-
"don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men-a women.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men-strong, caring, loving-they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets!
15. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.
16. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.
USED BRAIN SALE
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."
50 OBSERVATIONS ABOUT WOMEN BY SOME IDIOT MAN
1.Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2.Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3.Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4.Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5.Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6.Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7.Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8.Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9.Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10.Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11.Women always go to public rest rooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12.Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13.Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 14.Women think all beer is the same.
15.Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
16.After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.
17.Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
18.If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
19.Women brush their hair before bed.
20.Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
21.Women are paid less than men, except for modeling.
22.Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible." Hmmm....who was it that gave Adam the apple?
23.Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil stick? Oil doesn't stick."
24.Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
25.The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
26.Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
27.Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
28.A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
29.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
30.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,'How do I look?'
31.PMS stands for: Permissible Man Slaughter. Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.
32.The first naked man woman see is "Ken".
33.Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast size.
34.Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35."Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36.Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37.Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38.a. All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it. b. All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.
39.If it is not Valentine's Day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40.Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
41.Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
42.If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in more trouble).
43.Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
44.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
45.Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
46. Women are basically more cold-blooded than men; their bodies take on the temperature of their surroundings. If a woman feels cold, she will insist that other people should put on more clothes.
47.......
48.- men never finish anything do they?
THE RIB
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said:
(1) This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
(2) She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
(3) She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
(4) She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
WHO WAS ON FIRST?
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you
can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
COMPUTERS: MALE OR FEMALE?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard". Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
WHY IT"S GREAT TO BE A GUY
1. The garage is all yours
2. Phone conversations last 30 seconds
3. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
5. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
6. You can open all your own jars
7. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
8. When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
9. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
10. You can go to the bathroom alone
11. Your last name stays put
12. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
13. You can kill your own food
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
16. You never have to clean the toilet
17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves
19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your
friend
20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
21. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
22. You don't have to shave below your neck
23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices
25. Chocolate is just another snack
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
27. Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)
28. You never have to worry about other's feelings
29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think
31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
32. Car mechanics tell you the truth
33. You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
35. One mood, all the time
36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
37. Same work........more pay
38. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
39. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
40. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
41. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's plate
42. If you retain water, it is in a canteen
43. The remote is yours and yours alone
44. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
45. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
46. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
47. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
48. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
49. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
50. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny (and even funnier if it is a cat)
MESSAGES FROM MEN TO WOMEN
1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6) Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7) . Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11) Shopping is not sport.
12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13) You have enough clothes.
14) You have too many shoes.
15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25) Check your oil.
26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31) If something we said can be interpreted in such a way that it makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done but not both.
35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41) Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
42) If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
43) Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
44) Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
45) Please don't drive when you're not driving.
46) Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
47) If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.
48) The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.
49) When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
50) What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
51) When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
52) When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
53) The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
54) SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
55) Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
56) If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
57) Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
58) You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
59) Silence does not need to be filled.
60) No, you can't have the remote control.
