MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH!
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.
The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.
BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
Sydney Wilde (Curling up by the fire now.)
SUPER SALESMAN
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that have every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"
"That was the only one," said the young salesman.
"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.
The boss paused for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he asked, "How did you manage that?"
"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rust-proofing, and a built-in refrigerator."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy Tampons."
"Tampons?"
"Yeah, Tampons. They were for his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing...'"
MUSIC MARKETING
The Following Are REAL Names Of Rock Bands
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Drunks With Guns
e. coli
Electric Prostates
Fearless Iranians From Hell
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Louder Than God
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Pabst Smear
Pepto Dismal
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Raging Pimps of Doom
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Seven-Year Bitch
Shirley Temple of Doom
Spastic Colon
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Idiots
Vic Morrow's Head
Willie Nelson Mandela
Yoko Homo
MARKETING RELIGION
Signs on Church Properties
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
REAL ADVERTISEMENTS
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
14. For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.
15. Great dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
18. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
20. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
21. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
22. Man, honest. Will take anything.
23. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
24. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
25. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
26. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
27. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
28. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
29. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
WARNING LABELS
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles
such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol:
May make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
May cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
May lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
May cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
May create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named chuck.
May lead you to believe you are invisible.
May lead you to think people are laughing with you.
INSTRUCTION LABELS
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible.
The following are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(A lot of bald hotheads were suing the company)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be... how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But, it's just a "suggestion!")
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product may be hot after heating.
(There's a pretty good chance, I'd say.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Especially if you put some of that
bread pudding in your pocket first.)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we just kept those
5-year-olds off the forklifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: Use care! May cause drowsiness.
(Nothing escapes the vigilant eye of the corporate lawyer.)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(I guess we won't see them on the space shuttle)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmm. Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(For the newly lobotomized)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(See accessory: # BO-287 - home castration kit, for this purpose.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(They put this advisory on after finding some poor schmuck jumping up
and down on the sidewalk outside the world trade center.)
